Music, Happy Places and Ice Cream Trucks

So I am big into music. Music can heal. It can give voice to what you want to say.

This post is about one such song for me.

For my birthday in September of 2010 one of my very best friends posted a message for me in which he included a video for a song. It’s a silly song that was meant to be just that. A month later The Husband was killed in a car wreck.

I had a hard time keeping myself above water. If it wasn’t for my girls I would have ended up in a bottle and just never come back out. Part of keeping a smile on my face, was music. Six week after the wreck I was going through my Facebook and saw the Birthday Post. I clicked on it and laughed. This song became my TouchStone. A place that I could go to have a bit of joy when I needed it.

To this day, 4 1/2 years on, when nothing else will help, I listen to the Song. I don’t think Zach knows exactly what that birthday gift has meant to me. I wish I could explain it. Even now, words fail me.

I hope ya’ll enjoy my Happy Song.. Ice Cream Truack ft Cazwell…

Demons, Dragons, & Death

I feel as though my life is spinning out of control.

I’m not sleeping. When I do sleep I have night terrors. The ones I do remember are horrid. I can’t imagine how bad the ones I don’t are.

There’s a demon in my life. The worst part is that I let him in. Oh, he’s not a real demon in the Biblical sense. But oh is he ever. I don’t know what he did in/to my house be when I speak his name (or that of the Dragon he claims to “control”) things happen.

I fell twice last night. If the Boyfriend hadn’t been holding me I would have been seriously hurt. About 2 am I go up to go to the bathroom. I got dizzy as soon as I closed the door. I tried to steady myself against the wall. I ended up on the other side of a 9 foot long bathroom. I don’t know how. It is a blur. I hit my head on the door moulding to my closet. There is NO reason that should have happened. I can only assume I was pushed.

I don’t feel good. I’m exhausted. I know I sound crazy. I’m not. I grew up Evangelical. While I don’t believe in the Biblical version of Hell or Satan, even I know there is shit you don’t mess with. Bad and Good are like a yin and yang. You can’t have one without the other. You Dragons are elemental creatures. You can no more can control them than you can a thunderstorm. There is also bad juju or seriously evil stuff out there. That demon is one of those things. I thought he was good. I make the mistake of seeing the good and trusting that. To a fault. And it’s come back over and over again to taunt me.

While we are on the subject. Did you know that Satan is based on the Horned Gods? Christians (Romans eventually) knew they wouldn’t be able to get the Natives to agree to Christianity without incorporating parts of the “pagan” religions. The Horned Gods are fertility deities as well as Death deities. Circle of life and all that. Take Pan. He was the new horny (literal and pun) god of Spring. He played the pipes (PANpipes). Lucifer was an Angel of Beauty and Music. He slept with Eve (that’s the literal meaning of forbidden fruit). Pan sleeps with the Goddess and she becomes pregnant (the year matures) and She gives birth to the new God who then kills the Old God and goes on to repeat the process. Cerrenos is another name. Odin and strangely Loki.

Anyway. I just needed to write about the demon. I need to smudge and bless the house and property. I could use prayers and positives thoughts.

Merci.

And then there were 9…

So, we weren’t going to have another cat until next year. That was the plan, anyway. Until BB showed up.

We went into town and hung out at an open air mall. When you homeschool and you go out on a weekday during the school year, you don’t have to deal with more than just Adult Stupid. We didn’t think about it, ’cause it was a Tuesday. But le sigh. It’s Spring Break… o.m.g

So we got home from our little excursion. The Boyfriend gets out and says “Oh hey.. Um, Hun..” as he points to the back of the truck. I thought that he had been saying hi to Dude or Hulk (the neighbor across the street’s outside kitties who hang out and get snacks and scritches from us. I was afraid there was something wrong with one of then. Out from behind the truck comes this scrawny ginger kitty. He looks EXACTLY like Boyfriend’s cat back in Michigan. He was sooo scared! We tossed him a french fry, which he wolfed down. It was just enough for Boyfriend to pick him up. At that point we thought he was a girl, so of course I had to Christen her (him) with a good Irish name: Siobhan. We fed “her”… “She” even got kisses from Kheldy.

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At that point, we looked a little closer. Girls aren’t…ahem…hung. So Siobhan became “Mal”. Because Browncoats… At that point we also realized that his tail had been broken at the end. It’s a little crooked at the end. He also has the most beautiful eyes that match his fur.

He wasn’t entirely sure about the other 5 cats.

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After relaxing a teeny bit he laid down with me to watch some makeup tutorials on YouTube.

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The girls cleaned their playroom willingly to have more room to play with him. He even decided to nap in the closet on some stuffies.

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His name has also been changed. I kept wanting to call him Weasly. The girls wanted to name him Bill. We finally settled on Butter Beer, BB for short. It fits him and his personality.

It’s just shy of 24 hours since he came into our lives. He “fits”. He’s still mostly unsure of the other cats, especially around food. He is REALLY unsure of the dogs. All of which is to be expected. But he knows where the food is, how to use the litter box (we showed him them right after he ate last night..), and is even playing with his older sister, Bean.

Welcome to our family Butter Beer!!!

Spring and Softball

It’s here! Even if the thermometer and the weather don’t listen.. My quince, forsythia and daffodils are blooming! Birds, frogs, and coyotes are talking.

Our neighbor cut his grass today. He has a bad habit of doing the strip of grass between the sidewalk and curb, and mowing over my daffodils. The Boyfriend said he got close to it today. The ONLY thing that stopped him was 2 little metal flamingos we found a couple years ago.

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Coach notifications should happen this weekend and practice starts next week. Season Opener is on the 11th. A-Bug is sooo excited! We got some practice in last week. Last year she played 1st base outfield and catcher. She caught her first Fly and it was the out her team needed! Like Shakespeare said “Ant though she be but little,she is fierce.”

Have a great First Weekend of Spring!!

xo

Here I am! Send me!

Well, that title is so Christian! Not bad coming from a Pagan, I suppose.

Why am I doing this “online journal” thing? Well, my first husband and his mother read my diary, then turned and used it against me. Since then I haven’t been able to journal privately. I’ve tried but I can’t. When my Husband died 4 1/2 years ago, I started using my Facebook as a public grieving journal because I can’t afford the 3x a week that the counselor wanted me to pay and attend. Ok maybe not Public. More like I have managed to annoy nearly everyone on my friends list. Yes, my FB is actually very exclusive. Anyway… I decided that I needed a better place to have an outlet. Not only that but I want to start doing other things.. I like beauty, crafting, cooking, pets, music, gaming… Ya know..The reason everyone makes a blog.

About me. I am a SAHM of twins. I’m a widow. I may or may not put pics of my kids up. I haven’t decided yet.

I also homeschool. It wasn’t hard to make the decision to homeschool. After DH died, I wanted my girls near me at all times. I was so scared they would get hurt and I wouldn’t be there. I homeschooled them during the first semester of Kindy. I allowed myself to be talked into letting them go to public school. They graduated Kindy (I cried sooo hard!) and I let them go to 1st grade in public school. Talk about a mistake!!! We had a tornado go past the school and I wasn’t there to protect my kids. I went and picked them up as soon as we got the all clear. They were both bullied, but K-Bug was the one that got the brunt of it.

One day, near the end of the school year, they were on the playground and a “good Christian girl” found out about their Daddy. She also found out they are Pagan. Apparently, the girls were singing “I Walk With the Goddess” by Kellianna as a “feel better song” (my girls and I sing it like Christians sing “Jesus Loves Me” to feel better and protected). This little bitch tells my girls that their Daddy was “burning in hell”. Oh I was LIVID!!! That was when I said enough was enough. I started homeschooling again the next school year. The school officials were all so sweet (as they were when DH was killed – that’s for another post). They never really did anything though. Our schools are some of the best in the State. I love the school system. It’s one of the reasons we bought our house here. The Vice Principle, though, told me that the bitch was “a good Christian girl” and “she would never do that. Right… I’m not surprised though. This town is tiny. Everyone knows everyone, and if they don’t they will find out. I had a “pastor” tell me right after the Wreck that the reason my Husband was killed was because we were/are raising the girls to be Pagan. God’s Punishment, and all that. (Yes I am Bitter. I don’t plan on being anything but for a LONG time.)

I have a Love – Hate relationship with Christianity. I was raised in an Evangelical home. I accepted Christ and was Baptized in 1986. Easter Sunday, to be exact. The same day as my daddy. But I’ll get into that later.

There are things I will put on here that some (my family mostly) won’t like. At this point I don’t care. I’m done not telling what I my perspective is/was. It’s not like I’m not prepared to be disowned. I’m 36 1/2 (as of this post). If they (everyone) don’t like it, they can kiss my ass.

So. This is Me. I’ll introduce myself, my family (Husband, Boyfriend, A-Bug and K-Bug), my pets (all 8, almost 9!) to everyone later. Maybe I should do a post for each of them… *shrug*

Welcome to My World. From MY Perspective. Maybe I will be nice. Maybe I will be bitchy. We’ll see. Either way, I’ll just be Me.

My theme song, ya’ll..